Thou shalt notst usest the King Jamest Versioneth!

You know you need a new translation of the Bible when the pastor has to translate each verse into Modern English.

I’m not kidding. The church I go to uses only the King James Version (cue the somber organ music) and the pastor will quote a verse, and then say, “What this means is...” or “What Paul is saying is...” I can’t get over how ridiculous “didst”, “hadst” and “werst” sound. (What kind of “werst”? You mean like, bratwurst?) Churches make a huge mistake when they decree “only the King James”. The mistake? By decreeing that, you’re essentially assuring that the church will only attract white people...the only ones who can (sort of) make sense of the Old English. You know what? People who speak English as a second language, for example, will automatically look elsewhere for a church if they can’t understand the stuffy KJV. Believe me, it’s true...churches that use a simpler version are always more racially diverse, just check it out for yourself. As for me, I’m sick of the KJV and even sicker of the 95-year-old white people. Yeah, I’ve heard all the rumors swirling around that the KJV was written personally by God through a bunch of monks. Evidently there were about a dozen monks who, working independently, all came out with the exact same translation: the KJV, or so the story goes. Which has to mean that all other translations are grossly inaccurate. Or that we had to resort to other translation methods since there just aren’t as many monks running around as there used to be.

Incidentally, this also could be the reason why youth groups tend to attract more kids than Sunday services in those churches. I happen to have the best youth minister on Earth...and as an added bonus, he uses a different translation.